Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
You Might Also Like
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.