Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”