Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
concern
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.