Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

gm

This is why I hate group projects