Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”