Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.