Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
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girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.