Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
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Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
stop
