Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
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Autocorrect is my menesis
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
it be like that
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
so i’m at the stock market right
