Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it