Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
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When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”