Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
