Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
