Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
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A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
omg leave her alone
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.