Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Can confirm.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

I’m going to need a moment here.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.