Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My favorite female superhero
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I need this for my side hustle.
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer