Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
☠️ ☠️
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?