Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
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If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I have so many questions.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
