Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The median voter
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?