Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
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ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes