Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry