Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
😂 amazing answer
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My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.