Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Look at this

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.