Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

You can’t rush stupid.

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.