Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

I occasionally drink every single night.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

*bites zombie*

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.