Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”