Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets