Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Fluff me with a fork baby

Grew big

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.