Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I get a job writing these texts

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*