Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.