Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

📽️movie date🎞️

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*