Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just playing devils avocado here

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

lmfao come on

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo