Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes