Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.