Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
bout dat hot dog summer
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Stop sending me this shit.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
More like Kate Missington.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
