Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Good boy 😂😂

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said