Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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Alexa turn off the planet
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
wait.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.