Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Born to be mild.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet