Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.