Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

My safe word is Worcestershire

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑