Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
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have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
the simulation is moving too fast
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
They got a point!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working