Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
worst…sale…ever
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.