Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
They’re the worst 😩
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals