Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
due date
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My first son he is wonderful
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Saturday
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM