Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
another case of gang violins
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
By Kate Hatos
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch