Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Lmbo
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
