Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
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Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it