Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
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You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Current mood: Potato
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
why isn’t he texting back
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.