Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
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Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.