Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?