Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
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The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs