Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
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I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”