Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

Finally

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

😂🐾

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.