Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
i wish we could shoplift online
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven鈥檛 been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
馃泚
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.