Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Somebody call the cops.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Okay, I’m still confused…
