Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
You Might Also Like
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
pelicons
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.