Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
In banana years, I am bread.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
