Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt