*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
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Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.