ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
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then why did i get this email
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Called it