Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
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Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?