Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
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DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My therapist after every session
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
twitter is a journey
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.