Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fixed it

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.