Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.