Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it