Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems a bit forward

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores