Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

i made a craigslist ad !

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?