someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
You Might Also Like
Quadruple digit IQ
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.