someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Happy thanksgiving!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*