someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
*me flirting
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Mistakes were made
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?