someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
You Might Also Like
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The United Steaks of America
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.