[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
at ease…shoulder.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.