Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
🥴😂
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
They’re not wrong
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope