[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
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I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
awesome draft from months ago i just found
