[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff