Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

what’s in a name?

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone