[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
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Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[Carpenter First Date]
So, tell me about your shelf.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.
I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.