[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
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My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.