Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“no gods no masters” = leo
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Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Eat…
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