Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

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