Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.