Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This squirrel eats better than I do

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!