Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
You Might Also Like
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
me when the borders lift