Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?
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A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.
Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?
Farmer: The cattle eat it
Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat