My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
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[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Breaking news:
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
is it earth
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?