@thesqueezysloth

Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?

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@ComedicBust

[3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@krisv_723

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

@Rollinintheseat

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

@smithsara79

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

@That_Damn_Duck

Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.

@Heaterhotusus

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

@1_dingle

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

@Tommytoughstuff

IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.

@brynnester

Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat