Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Family Celebrity